So I was a fat kid who hit puberty and got skinny and was left in possession of near-superhuman powers of seismic food consumption absent any weight gain and so during college it was suggested that in the same way pregnant women are “eating for two” I must have had a suppressed awkward fat tween living inside of me and my friends decided to name him Alphonse. One of Alphonse’s favorite pasttimes during his undergraduate years was curling up to “West Wing” marathons on Bravo with an extra large delivery pizza from Domino’s. Alphonse is also quite fond of demonstrating Langer’s sexual fitness by way of food challenges and one time Alphonse was challenged to eat Langer’s height in footlong hot dogs, but because Langer is 6’1 Alphonse had to eat seven feet of hot dogs. Sometimes even Langer’s closest friends confuse him for Alphonse and vice versa and one time Langer’s best friend introduced Langer as someone who “enjoys Rihanna, political discourse, and eating things larger than his head”. Langer does indeed enjoy Rihanna, but it is Alphonse who enjoys eating things larger than Langer’s head.

Thursday’s are burrito days in the office, a weekly ritual codenamed “Operation Hot Brother”, and Langer was feeling hungry today and decided to get two spicy chicken burritos and when his colleagues suggested it couldn’t be done Alphonse’s ears perked up and decided to toss in a spicy chicken taco just for good measure.

Langer’s sexual fitness is quite impressive.